Having been to a few film festivals, I have started to see the same types of shorts get screened over and over and over. So basically, if you make one of these types with any kind of production value, you are a shoe-in to any small to medium festival. However, I do not recommend for anyone to make one of these, and in fact, I would rather you not.
1. The “Drugs Ruin Lives, Kill Baby Puppies, and Melt the Glaciers” Movie
This is basically a glorified PSA–the kind of film where you kind of feel bad for snickering at during the screening because everyone else is so serious. But hey, if you make a film about drugs and/or alcohol and/or tobacco, you can get screened and celebrate by getting really drunk and snorting cocaine.
2. The Really Vulgar Pseudo-Comedy
Have you ever been to a screening where one section of the audience is laughing hysterically (coincidentally the current film’s crew) while everybody else is either chuckling politely or looking around awkwardly? You just witnessed The Really Vulgar Pseudo-Comedy.
3. The Quirky Little Precious Indie
Juno, just shorter.
4. The Politically Correct Documentary
Make a documentary about something that makes you look like a caring person. Some ideas: oil spills killing baby seals, something about someone’s noble culture, etc. It can be about anything really, just make sure that it lasts approximately 45 minutes longer than it should, that a mediocre piano ballad plays behind the opening credits, and that you include some kind of pretentious statement about being more “aware” than the average person.
5. The Black and White Movie
It’s just like a regular movie, but it’s in black and white.
6. The Drama That Everyone Knows Is Going To Win
You stand still for five seconds in the lobby, and start hearing everyone talking up some film they haven’t seen, but that will make them sound cool to talk about. Well, the production value is probably pretty good, maybe it has decent acting, but the storyline will be something like this: A middle-aged woman embarks on a journey to move on from her husband’s death and find the meaning of the universe. It will probably win the festival if not the Politically Correct Documentary or “Drugs Ruin Lives, Kill Baby Puppies, and Melt the Glaciers” Movie, even though everybody liked the Quirky Little Precious Indie the best.
7. The “I shot this with a camera phone, isn’t that artistic?” Film
Much like indie music, the independent film circle has certain people who feel that they are fighting the establishment by using poor equipment. OK, so it’s one thing if you can’t afford a RED, but does that mean that you have to make your entire film out of shots that look like your two-year-old nephew was DP? I love B and C-horror movies, but this kind of thing is on a different level. I personally think that one can fight the establishment more effectively by making indies that are actually….um….good.
To be honest with you, I have made a couple of short films that could fit into categories above; it’s not something to feel bad about. Actually, some films that fit into these categories might be quite good, and even spawn great careers (see Robert Rodriguez’s “Bedhead,” pictured) The whole point of this is to ask the question-if independent filmmakers are trying to break the mold of the Hollywood Blockbuster, why are they creating their own molds? Although perhaps the ones at fault are the festival judges who keep glorifying these non-confirmist conformist films. But, hey, if you want to get into a small to medium sized festival, get some cash, maybe a trophy, conformity doesn’t look so bad, does it? Well I’m off to make a black-and-white boring documentary about the dangers of marijuana using my VHS camera from the ’80’s.
You stay classy, Universe.
